What We Have Here Is a Failure to Communicate

From: nosenseofhumor_2222 (View Profile)
Subject: um Sent Date: 11/2/2009 7:11:50 PM

GRRRR lol




I wasn't sure what a grrrrlol was. So I inquired.




From: i'm_also_speaking_a_foreign_language (View Profile)
Subject: RE:um Sent Date: 11/2/2009 7:14:24 PM

que?


From: nosenseofhumor_2222 (View Profile)
Subject: RE:RE:um Sent Date: 11/2/2009 7:18:27 PM

Oh hell no. u racist



I love it when guys weed themselves out.

Can't Make This Sh*t Up

Everyone deserves love. It's true! Even those who are lucky enough to participate in the Special Olympics. I have a soft spot for those who really do ride the short bus.

So.... I received the following email:

From: xxxxx xxxxxxx (View Profile)
Subject: Hi xxxxxxx Sent Date: 10/8/2009 9:47:21 PM

Hi my names is xxxxx xxxxxxx


















Every message I receive attaches the profile picture(s) of the interested party. Who wouldn't check out his profile?!?! Luckily, my co-blogger was at home with me when I received his first message. She betted that he won that trophy in a hotdog-eating contest. He listed his body-type as "Athletic" and I suppose that does qualify as a sport.

His "About Me" section is best read aloud:

About Me
I Like Beach.Pools,Swimming,Hiking.Spa,Walking,Chat,Soical,Alot Water,Biking,And Goal To be P.E. Teacher Still College For Year To go.I Like Wear Normal Dress And Look Nice Haircut Styles.I Love Band Going Country OR Rock -N- Roll AND Meet Rolling Stone AND Bruce Springteen.I Meet Pat Green In Country Music I Was A Body Guard. And I Like Going To Beach And Skating Rolling Blading.If You Want Go With me Just Ask We Will Get Together As Deep blue As Together As Last Forever.And Also Getting Meet Me Somewhere Or Going Place Or Your To Meet. Just Let Me Know.Remeber I Am Open. Mind.Going To Musesum In Downtown Dallas And Got In Downtown Fort Worth Got Nice Weekend Going To Festval Looking Arts.And I Got Nice Fire Place And Alot Movie Dvd And Enjoy It.Doing Computer On Good Time And Got Nice Hot Tub Huges I Got Them And Like To Know Each Other Often Best We Can Get Trust Each Other I Like Church Jesus Is Making Us Feel Great Time.Going Wine Tasting Place In Grapevine.

First Date
Meet Starbuck Coffee Or Going To Zoo Or Walking Park.





Curiosity takes over. I really needed to know how he got that trophy. Maybe he won a moose-wrestling contest in his homeland of Austria. He MUST be foreign... it's the only way to explain the accent I had started using when reading his email/profile aloud.

From: xxxxxxxxx (View Profile)
Subject: RE:Hi xxxxxxx Sent Date: 10/8/2009 10:41:28 PM

Hi xxxxx!

Where are you from and where'd you get that trophy?

xxxxxx






Now, while he writes me back (he's obviously very busy winning trophies and ladies' hearts to write me back immediately...), I have to tell you that it pains me to edit out his real name and his username. They're too good to be true. His user name is exactly what he's told me his real name is... except that he's added the double letters at the end of his last name a couple more times. Also, his first name is one that is ALMOST ALWAYS 99.9999% OF THE TIME a nickname. No one ever actually names their kid THIS on their birth certificate, do they?? And it's hard to illustrate my frustration without telling you either of his names!!!! HHHHHHHHHHH.

The best I can come up with is: Bubba Wrapppp. As if Bubba WraPP and Bubba WraPPP were already taken as usernames. Hopefully, you can understand where I'm coming from...


...



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From: bubba wrapppp (View Profile) (View All Correspondence)
Subject: RE:RE:Hi xxxxxxx Sent Date: 10/9/2009 8:11:56 AM

I am from arlington,texas near hwy 360 and brown blvd. it closer 2 miles from new cowboys stuidam. trophy I got it from texas motor speedway won a hot dogs eating contest in 6 min. it only 10 hot dogs it not bad. got 20,000 fans watch me it 10 men in contest. but I lose alot weight since a year now. It alright with you can I dating with you, Bubba Wrapp ph# is 817-200-xxxx

NO EFFING WAY!!! I immediately text my roommate.
"How THE FUCK did you guess he was ACTUALLY in a hot dog eating contest? THE FUCK."

From: xxxxxxxxx (View Profile)
Subject: RE:RE:RE:Hi xxxxxxx Sent Date: 10/9/2009 9:56:47 AM

well, congrats on your contest-winning AND your weight-loss!!!

I don't think we'd be a good dating match, but you seem very sweet. best of luck to you, xxxxx!

xxxxxx


From: bubba wrapppp (View Profile)
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:Hi xxxxxxx Sent Date: 10/9/2009 10:01:01 AM

Thank YOU YOU TOO.

ohnohedidnt... post this picture!

Please draw a line to the photo that matches how I've labeled the photo on my computer:
1. flavaflaaaaaaaav
2. havepatients
3. doctorjay
4. glamourshotgary
5. cosby
6. awkwardkneelean
7. 1972bicyclepolaroid
8. lookitmyballs
9. sexycowboy
10. kneeshelfoldguy
11. pimpdaddy
12. 35yearoldpromdate

Deleter! No Deleting!

We're back! My co-blogger and I have recovered from our party party Labor Day weekend drunkfest. If you haven't figured it out (or maybe we just haven't said), she and I share a living space. We convene in our swanky bachelorette pad (and send each other 'WTF?!' texts as events occur) to stay abreast and compare notes on men's online dating faux-pas.

Abreast. I just had to say it again.

So it had to happen eventually... The guy who deleted me ended up taking a liking to her in the most fun way. It turns out, yes, he must not have been 'that into me,' but also he is just what his namesake suggests... a deleter. Roommate has been deleted by him as well! Apparently, he likes a tidy inbox. I mean, who doesn't?

Tidy inbox. That sounds kind of dirty. In a well-groomed sort of way.

So anyway - my roommate - god love her - has more patience in her than I could ever hope to have. She gave Deleter her phone number. I know two things about our friend, Deleter. 1. He has severe ADD. And 2. He loves to send her text messages.

"If we were married, would we sleep in separate beds?"
"What?"
"I just finished looking at videos of tornados. Have you ever been in one?"

"Do you like guys with facial hair?"
"No, not really.. maybe a little scruff"
"I buy frequent flier miles as a side job."

"What's your favorite band?"
"I don't know.. I have a lot."
"I haven't cut my finger nails in a while."

"So your team lost today, huh?"
"Yes, unfortunately."
"Do you have any idea how technically hot the sun is -like the temperature of the sun?"

Anyway, the textual relationship slowed significantly after he met us at a bar and asked if I'd contracted the jungle fever (because he saw us with a black friend). We have yet to confirm the use of crack-cocaine as his recreational drug of choice. Although his XXL Dodgers jersey on his M frame and frequent use of "Meow" suggests we may be on the right track.

Wearing your heart on your.....keyboard?

Let's be honest. Putting yourself on an online dating website can say different things about you.
It can say:

- I am really busy with 17 jobs and 32 kids and have no time to try to find another other outside of the 22 hours I am awake and constantly busy.

- I have no luck picking up the opposite (or same for that matter) sex because I get real nervous and break into hives and sweat like Richard Nixon during the Watergate press conference.

- I fell from the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down and prefer making people think I look like Chris Pine until I lure them into meeting and then the joke is on them

- I am really bored with life and need something to keep me from becoming a hermit

and so on and so forth

Any way you slice it, you really are putting yourself out there in what should be a pretty honest manner... opening yourself up to snap judgement that may or may not be in your favor. If that's not ok with you...probably don't sign up. Taking a chance at messaging someone is the same as walking up to them at the bar and offering to buy them a drink. They can either decline or accept. Same goes for emails. I can read them and reply or not. If I choose not to reply it's either because you wrote 2 words (see one sentence wonder post) and are uninteresting or I don't think there is any attraction. Call me a shallow, egomaniacal snob, but I doubt I am the first to want a physical attraction to someone I could potentially bare children with. Have you seen Carrot Top? Obviously that was not important in his parents' relationship and see what happens? So... if you write me and compliment me (u r pretty) don't get your manties in a tangle if I read and delete. Furthermore... if you email me and I read and don't respond immediately, please don't send a SWAT team after me and demand to know why I did not reply upon reading your carefully thought out 6 word email.

Case in point:

From: XXXXXXXXXX (View Profile)
Subject: hi Sent Date: 9/1/2009 10:22:49 AM



Your beautiful!!!

and then I get this 5 minutes later after he constantly refreshed his browser to see if I read it and when I did and did not reply he sent:

From: xxxxxxxx (View Profile)
Subject: Rude Sent Date: 9/1/2009 10:29:34 AM



well your welcome!!!!

Really, guy? I am rude? Maybe at the exact moment I read your email the publishers clearing house showed up at my front door and informed me that I won a bazillion dollars. Would you reply immediately? And since you were so quick to insult me, even if I was interested, not gonna reply back now. Way to go, Captin Impatient. Patience is a virtue, Jesus said so.

Return of the Mack

Let's take a trip back in time. Waaaay way back to.... 2 days ago. Remember when I was Chuck Norris??? (Good times!) So I didn't respond to his copy/paste funtimes email. What's the use in leading these guys on... Well, he wrote me again that day after I didn't respond.

From: xxxxx123 (View Profile)
Subject: RE:RE:Hey Sent Date: 8/31/2009 11:44:08 AM

Come on you didn't think the Chuck Norris facts where funny?

From: hhhhhhhhhhhh (View Profile)
Subject: RE:RE:RE:Hey Sent Date: 8/31/2009 11:54:23 AM

it's not that they weren't funny... i've read them before and can go find them whenever i like on the 'net. you didn't really give me anything to respond to.

OK! Done! Schwoo! I think I handled that pretty well. He's still thinking about it 2 days later...

From: xxxxx123 (View Profile)
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:Hey Sent Date: 9/2/2009 9:18:29 AM

So what your saying is I need to elicit a response. I thought that would work they are funny. Didn't think you would have seen them allready. What is your favorite thing to do on the weekends? What is your real name Chuck?

Jxxxxxxx

I had a whole response typed up trying to help him out. Don't ask for any personal info. If she has stated her interests in her profile where information is willingly given, she probably does those things on the weekends. But I really can't stand to get ANOTHER email from him in which he is just.. lame. It's too sad.

Can I Ask You a Personal Question?

In other words, pleeeeeeeease respond to me this time.

From: ignoreme (View Profile)
Subject: Hello Sent Date: 9/1/2009 3:37:51 PM

Hey how are you doing? Did you have a good weekend? Any big plans for the holiday weekend coming up?

I didn't respond... his picture was fine. I always check out the profile to see if there's something I'm missing.

Nope, nothing going on there. Plus, he's short. And he doesn't need to know what I'm doing for the weekend.

Something about the way I ignored the email made him wonder something very specific:

From: ichangedmyminddontignoreme (View Profile)
Subject: Hello Sent Date: 9/2/2009 7:30:14 AM

May i ask you a somewhat personal question?

Did I respond to this guy and forget? I'm pretty sure I didn't. But I'm sorta dying to know if he's going to be that guy and ask if the carpet matches the drapes. What else would he want to know that he needs to ask it that way? I mull it over and decide I'm irritated enough to need to know what he wants.

From: godwhatdoyouwantman (View Profile)
Subject: RE:Hello Sent Date: 9/2/2009 11:34:04 AM

if you really wanted to know, you would've just asked it already, right?

the real question is if i'll answer it.

From: yay!aresponse (View Profile)
Subject: RE:RE:Hello Sent Date: 9/2/2009 11:41:01 AM

LOL... do you ever enjoy short sensual stories?

WHAT!THE!HELLLLLLL!DUDE! That's what I get for wondering. I have a feeling he might ask me something else tomorrow. Stay tuned.

Que?

Close your eyes.. and picture someone saying this to you..


ur funny well note to self do not say nothing corny to this fether cuz it wont be catchable lol lol lol hi im xxxx


Now open them. Are you almost positive that the person saying this to you is probably a descendant of Yoda? I thought so too...twinsies!! Kids, punctuation and spell check is your friend. Although corrective and blunt about your mistakes and errors, it really does have your best interest at heart.

Getting Deleted

Here at HTLAGI10EOL, we're not immune to hurt feelings. I mean, we are CAUSING most of the hurt feelings around here. But we're not just waiting around for the men to email us so we can make fun of them. If I see something I like, I'll poke it with a stick.

I found a darling man: 31 years old, 5'11", literate, cute! A funny white boy who happens to speak Spanish from living and studying in Mexico... In his profile, he asks the age old question: "What's SnoopDogg use to wash his threads?"

From: iamsoooofunny (View Profile) (View All Correspondence)
Subject: bleee-yach! (for snoop's laundry) Sent Date: 8/30/2009 9:02:22 PM

why does snoop use an umbrella? fo drizzle.

soy una sandia y el cacahuate esta en mi umbligo. mucho gusto.

For the non-Spanish speakers, the last sentences translate to "I am a watermelon and the peanut is in my belly-button. Nice to meet you."

I received this delightful response.

From: omgyouAREfunny (View Profile)
Subject: RE:bleee-yach! (for snoop's laundry) Sent Date: 8/30/2009 9:27:35 PM

My manties just dropped...take what you'd like :)))

haha

Funny email...thanks for the laugh! :)

Jxxxxxx







And then he deleted my email.

And I didn't notice I'd been deleted until AFTER I wrote him back the next day.

Ouch, my feelings....

What's In A Name

You have to be careful out here in online dating land. You never know who's going to Google you for evil purposes. I don't like when a potential suitor asks me for personal information in the initial email. It's usually 'hey yo can i get your number?' These days, just your name can give them everything they need to know to find you at home. Sure, I could give him my first name, at least. But really, what difference will knowing my name make to him? Also, it's way less fun.

From: xxxxx123 (View Profile) (View All Correspondence)
Subject: Hey Sent Date: 8/31/2009 9:25:00 AM

I can tell by your profile and the fact that you are a red head you are a lot of fun. What is your name?

Jxxxxxxx


From: icankickyourass (View Profile) (View All Correspondence)
Subject: RE:Hey Sent Date: 8/31/2009 10:16:50 AM

chuck norris


I anxiously awaited his witty retort... hoping for some good-natured back-and-forth ribbing. I got a whole list of things Chuck Norris can kick holes in. Copy and paste is not a response, gentlemen... And I already knew I could slam a revolving door. Chuck Norris knows what Chuck Norris can do.

Put down "The Game"

If Neil Strauss is listed on your 'hero' list above Ed Hardy and Derek Zoolander.. go ahead and move along. I get coy and I get sarcasm even though both are hard to translate in text, but there is a point when both of those have been surpassed and we enter into Dbagville, population: You and your affliction shirt. Don't email me with a preconceived notion that it would be an honor for me to be contacted by you. You, my friend, need to put down the book. I don't know that I have overheard a woman who is worth dating say 'yeah, actually we met because he told me how ugly my shoes were,it was love at first insult'.

Case in point:

From: xxxxxx (View Profile) (View All Correspondence)
Subject: hey Sent Date: 8/30/2009 11:41:22 PM

hey, your profile was pretty lame but lucky for you I decided to give you another chance to redeem yourself. Tell me about yourself in a way that I might find you interesting and want to get to know you better.


I'm sorry, your ego was up entirely too loud, what were you saying? I'm not worthy? Allow me to vomit a list of reasons why I think you should waste my time when you could be doing better things, like tanning.

The One Sentence Wonder...

Ok, so the goal of my signing up on this site was not necessarily to get a date. I moved to a new area, I figured it might be a good way to meet new people. My profile reads short and sweet but also specific. Please be interesting. Simple. I.e. dont write me and say 'hi u r pretty', 'hi'or 'a/s/l' (really? are you in a time warp trapped in america online in 1998? it clearly says my "a/s/l" in plain sight) I imagine a date with a guy that only says "whats up" in his message would be filled with awkward silences and disappointed sighs. I like to call these guys "One Sentence Wonders".

Case in point:

From: xxxxx (View All Correspondence)
Subject: Hey gorgeous) Sent Date: 8/29/2009 2:09:18 PM

sexy


Ummmm. How do you respond to that? Thanks? Ok? No, but thanks for asking? Here is my address, please come and pick me up asap, we have lots of nothing to talk about!

If you are a one sentence wonder please take note... read/deleted is probably going to haunt you until you throw in an extra word or two. Bonus points for complete sentences with a subject and a predicate! Come back next week when we'll discuss complex sentences, but only if you're ready to become assimilated into everyday conversations!

In Addition to Having a "Positive Attitude", "Getting My Jokes" is Something I Listed as a Turn-On, Bud

From: xxxxxxxxxx (View Profile) (View All Correspondence)
Subject: What ? Sent Date: 8/30/2009 6:55:00 PM

" Boring stupid loser seeks same " that is not a positive attitude...I dig your profile outside that!

I Have GayFace, I Enjoy Fine Art, and My Weight Is Evenly Distributed

From: XXXXXXX (View Profile) (View All Correspondence)
Subject: Hi Sent Date: 8/30/2009 5:29:11 PM

How are you? How is your weekend going?
It would be nice to talk to you and find out what your like?

Dxxxx

The following images were attached to this message.

















I am Seeking a Woman For Long term

Do you drink?
Socially
Marital Status
Single
Profession
Electrical Engineer
Smarts
N/A
Do you want children?
Prefer Not To Say
Do you do drugs?
No
Do you have children?
No
Do you have a car?
Yes

About Me
I'm looking for someone normal, fun and a little laid back. No offense to people with mental issues but, anyone who is bipolar, schizophrenic, or suicidal please pass me by. I'm a great catch with blue eyes, I have all my teeth, I'm well above average height, I'm not fat or not skin and bones and my weight is evenly distributed. I like to do just about anything fun from going out to relaxing and cuddling indoors. If you are looking for the same in a person and would like to know more please by all means send me an email.

First Date
Meet and talk where we both feel commfortable and agree on.

9 Out of 10 Women Love Me - Why Don't You?!

From: i'msoinsecurewhydon'tyouwantmeeveryonewantsme! (View Profile)
Subject: Be Honest

Sent Date: 8/28/2009 12:19:46 PM

Hey, I’m just curious wtf

First, you have to understand, I am not angry, hurt or sensitive about you not replying to my email. No worry at all. If everyone was attracted to everyone, we would have a mess. What I’m curious about though, is why you would just read and delete my email without any response?

Please be honest, what is it? Don’t worry, it’s not possible for you to hurt my feelings. You have to know me to have the power to hurt my feelings.

I know if I saw you in public and knew you were single, 9/10 times I would walk away with the number, but on here women seem to just look over me and I’m starting to feel like I’m missing something.

So, what was it? Why didn’t you at least reply to my email?

You messaged me again! You're *that* guy! Ew! That email is repetitive in asking why why why and you really think that I believe you're not sensitive about it?

I took another gander at your profile to remind myself of the other reasons I wasn't interested. Anything I've added or changed in bold is an extra turn-off....

I am Seeking: a Woman For Dating
Do you drink? Socially
Marital Status: Divorced
Profession: Business Owner
Smarts: Some college
Do you want children? Yes
Do you do drugs? No
Do you have children? Yes
Do you have a car? Yes

Interests: (And boy, you have so many! When do you have time to sleep?)
Family
Friends
Internet
Inventing
Guitar
Technology
1011 (this probably means 'sex' in binary. so clever.)
Mensa puzzles (no one should admit this)
Architecture
Gadgets
Movies
Theater
Film
Non-fiction
Comedy
Masterbation (if you're going to admit it, spelling is key)
Roller coasters
Riding fresh powder
Travel
Storms
Water
Scuba diving
Sand
Kayaking
White water rafting
Tube floating rivers
Widespread panic
Golf
Poker
Food
Wine
Sushi
Working
Creating
Good beer
Great conversations
Chess
Full moons

About Me: This is my first dating site to join so I'm a little apprehensive. In the past, I always thought dating sites were for losers who lacked the courage to approach a woman in real life. But, after years of hearing stories with happy endings, I decided to join the fun.

Alright, so about me…first, I feel a little geigh right now writing about myself. I haven’t done this since a creative writing class in college where I made everything up and exaggerated about my event filled life. I already don’t like the idea of starting every sentence with I. I think I have a great sense of humor, but unfortunately, everyone “thinks” they have a great sense of humor. But, I do like to laugh, I like to find new ways to make people laugh and I like to be with women who laugh easily and make other people laugh. Laughing is funny. I enjoy traveling, seeing new places and being around new people. Camping is also fun, but with a very long extension cord. Art is fun, but so is science and technology. Philosophy was fun until I found out that my life is just a parody of a parallel universe. I like to help people, but I don’t like people to help me. I don’t spend a whole lot of time in front of the TV, but the Daily Show makes me laugh out loud and Oprah makes me cry. A friend of mine turned me on to the show “Whale Wars” on Animal Planet, but I had to stop watching it because I found myself rooting for the whalers because the people on that show are such idiots. My favorite food is sushi and my favorite drink is Grey Goose martini (in a high ball glass so I don’t look like a fruit drinking it). I like to drink, but don’t like to get drunk. Awkward situations make me feel alive. The world needs more random acts of kindness.

First Date: coffee, possibly****ails (hehe, it blocked out c0ck) first to see if there is any chemistry. If the sparks fly, then maybe create some exciting spur of the moment plans. Going to the movies on the first couple of dates are usually reserved for unimaginative guys who fear they will not have anything to talk about and need someone else to entertain them. I like to be on creative on dates. But, if you're with the right person, it doesn't matter where you are or what you're doing, it's going to be good times. Instant chemistry, easy conversation, and lots of laughter is what I'm after...

Intro to Chads

From: xxxxxxxxxxxx (View Profile)
Subject: hey Sent Date: 8/28/2009 10:19:38 AM

lol, nice header! im Exxx.. whatcha up to?














From: EdHardysuckstoo (View Profile)
Subject: RE:hey Sent Date: 8/28/2009 10:53:41 AM

not much. working. i burn affliction shirts for a living.



From: xxxxxxxxxxx (View Profile)
Subject: RE:RE:hey Sent Date: 8/28/2009 11:03:03 AM

just finished my first week of classes.. whew! recently outta the marine corps infantry, and in school full time. i work part time and volunteer at a hospital.. besides not knowing anyone here in dallas due to being deployment alot, you loose alot of ties so im starting over.. great to be back in texas with my family!


Huh?! Way to keep the conversation going about my job! YOU DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT ME!